Korean rom-coms have taught me how to get a rich man.

1. If you take a chaebol* home and he bonds with your family, you get to keep him.


2. If it looks like your chaebol might leave you, hug him from behind. This is the best way to stun him so that you can confess your love.

3. The more accidents you get in, the more opportunities your chaebol will have of saving you (which will make him feel like a real man, and not the pampered rich baby that he actually is).


4. Having weak ankles and very tall shoes helps. Is there a natural disaster going on? You'd better get outside as quick as you can. Dangerous body of water nearby (or any body of water, really)? Jump in and forget to breathe.

5. You can treat nice guys who love you and want to give you the world like absolute shit and they will keep coming back to you. And their attention will make your chaebol jealous, which is the best way to get him to realize that feeling in his tummy that's making him curl his fingers in rage is lust/love for YOU, pretty lady.

6. Is that thing averagely good or funny? Scream hysterically about how awesome it is. Your chaebol loves the sound of your high-pitched girly shrieks of joy.

7. Always say your chaebol's name in a plaintive, whiny, pathetic voice. This is absolutely endearing, obviously.

8. Change your name to something that means a regular object or idea, so your chaebol can use metaphors to make fun of you and find new ways to tell you you're shitty.


9. Did I mention you should be getting into lots of accidents? If you want to snatch your chaebol from that snobby bitch who's much better suited to him, you better be on death's door at least twice a week.


10. Food that looks like your chaebol is the true way to his heart. It can't just be delicious, it also needs give him the opportunity to indulge his ego.

11. Did your chaebol give you jewelry? DON'T FUCKING LOSE IT. EVER. LOSING THAT JEWELRY IS AKIN TO SHOOTING YOUR CHAEBOL IN THE FACE AND HE WILL HATE YOU FOREVER.


12. Is it time to test your chaebol's love? Get him to give you a piggyback ride. This will prove that not only is he strong enough to be yo man, he's strong enough to handle your drunk ass when you're plunged into hysterical depression because your chaebol hung out with his ex.


13. Does your chaebol tease you? Does your chaebol tell you you're a useless scrap of a human being, in no way good enough for him? Fear not. This is his high-brow way of telling you he's been waiting all his life for some poor, mistrodden thing like you to gather up the gumption to confess your love, and now that he's found you he's just testing to make sure you're as despicable as the fantasy he's built in his head. IN ESSENCE - buck up, buttercup, he's already yours.

14. Have you been to Jeju Island yet? Better get your asses there, fast as you can. There's no hope of a successful relationship with your chaebol unless you spend some time on Jeju.

16. DO NOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOUR CHAEBOL. No matter how shitty your life is becoming (most likely because his mother fucking hates you), your pride is your most attractive feature. (Mostly because it will lead you into many life-threatening situations that give him the opportunity to save you.)

17. Your chaebol has no idea how to communicate, relate, show love, or in any other way act like a normal human being. But this is why you love him. Just don't be surprised that he keeps doing shit that makes you think he hates you. He's probably trying to tell you he loves you, but it's like a dog trying to wipe it's ass with toilet paper - the muscles just aren't there yet. Wait it out. Keep almost dying. He'll learn.


18. Forcing your chaebol to endure insufferable embarrassment caused by you is the best way to help him learn.


19. Is there a ridiculous animal costume around? Get in it, quick. Chaebol love bestiality mixed with the idea of you looking pregnant with their babies/heirs.

20. Sacrifice yourself to save him. Your chaebol isn't used to people throwing anything besides money, so protecting him with your soul or body will stun the shit out of him.

21. The best way to sort through your problems is NOT by chatting with your friends or, heaven forbid, your chaebol himself. No. Definitely the way to go is by talking aloud to yourself. Crazy = attractive, and don't you forget it.

22. Also, clumsy = adorable. Acting (and looking) like a 5-year-old = adorable. Stuttering like an idiot = adorable. The more ridiculous and pathetic you make yourself, the better your chaebol will feel about himself. Cover his flaws with yours. He should never have to face the fact that he is anything less that completely perfect if you can help it.


23. Make sure you have some plucky friends - preferably one or two less attractive friends and one absolutely gorgeous friend pretending to be less attractive by wearing glasses. They will aid you immensely in convincing you that you should continue to act as prescribed in #22 to win your chaebol.

24. If by some stroke of romance-god luck you get to spend a night in the same bed as your chaebol, make sure you are unusually flaily in your sleep. This'll make him all hot and bothered, and your drooling on him will actually become an endearing memory in a few months time.


25. Most importantly, your ability to live a healthy life better hinge on whether or not you think you have a chance with your chaebol. If you're not willing to give up food and drink, spend hours in the freezing cold, and refuse to get out of bed should you get the impression he might forget you forever, then you don't deserve him, bitch.




*A "chaebol" is like a member of the elite super-rich class in Korea, and although there are a few dramas out there that don't feature chaebol male leads, they usually do - or someone similar in status. Male leads in korean dramas are much like Nietzsche super-men, and to the ladies around them they are supposedly perfect and completely unattainable.